This past year, I was battling a lot of insecurities and life transitions that came all at once, pushing me into a slump of depression—I lost motivation to do anything; getting out of bed was so hard that I contemplated not getting up at all. I had no appetite, felt no self-worth, was constantly tired even after sleeping, and kept crying for no reason at all. But it was difficult to explain all of this to the people around me. I reached out to friends and family, slowly trying to find support and maybe validation from the people I loved. There were core people who supported me. But the majority of my friends were busy with their own lives—rescheduling times we were supposed to catch up, cancelling, forgetting, or not being able to find time at all. While I now understand that life gets in the way, during that time, I was reaching out to them in hopes that they could remind me of my self-worth. And again and again, blow after blow, the cancellations and busy schedules made me feel even worse than I did before. I felt like I was alone and that I had no self-worth. It made me feel like no one cared about me enough to make time to listen and to hold space for me to just be. I would later learn the importance of holding space for myself. This was also a time where I reconnected with someone whom I had just acknowledged I cared deeply about. As I was struggling through this difficult time, I was surprised by how little this person cared or was willing to be there for me. Many inner struggles later, it became the last straw that broke me. How could someone I thought I knew seem like someone I didn’t know? How could I give so much to something and feel like I was not reciprocated? At that point, I told myself that I had to let go of this relationship, even if I didn’t want to let go. I had to stop trying to look for love in someone else. I had to rediscover that love in myself. It’s funny how much we go around living our lives loving everyone but ourselves. So, I let go. Along with everything else that was going on, I literally felt like I was dying; I had never felt pain like that before. Well-meaning people kept telling me to “stay positive,” “look at the bright side,” “it’s not that bad,” and I tried. I tried too hard trying to listen to what other people told me instead of listening to what mattered most: myself. Slowly, I began writing again, going to therapy, cooking again; I started rediscovering the love I could give myself—the love I deserved. And once I was honest with myself, I began writing these poems about emotions inside me that I didn’t know were so strong. So, I am sharing this story for anyone who is going through hurt or, even when surrounded by people, feel like you’re alone. Remember that: Your heartbreak is your heartbreak. It is real. It is valid. And no one, including yourself, should compare it with someone else’s heartbreak or tell you how you should feel in the moment, be it happy, sad, angry, hurt, or all the above. I created spaces in my life to sit with the anger, hurt, and sadness without feeling judged. I hope you create your own spaces too. Being authentic means embracing the beautiful and ugly parts of what make us who we are--and giving ALL of our emotions the space they need to just be. If you are reading this, I want you to know that it is okay to not feel okay. Don’t feel like you have to start being happy by tomorrow. We heal from hurt by holding space for the hurt we feel. Healing and recovery is a process that takes time and is part of your journey. It is scary to not know when it will get better. But know that the sun will always rise tomorrow. Be you. Ride the wave. There are so many beautiful things in this world but part of what makes them beautiful is their brokenness and hurt—as much as we may choose not to believe that. We are human. Be human and feel all the different emotions you feel. Ride the wave; breathe through the pain and the joy because embracing ALL of who we are is what makes us the most beautiful Support this story - leave a comment or share this with a friend using our social media bar on the left!
2 Comments
Thess
20/4/2018 12:15:43 pm
Reading this was a bit like re-discovering Hurt and Pain (good ol' friends) but seeing them through another pair of eyes, and seeing another heart being broken and then healing itself. I write with tears in my eyes, not just tears of pain but also of pride and love-for you, for all of us who love and feel hurt, and do it again and again and again. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for reminding us of the importance of self-love and finding a place to be. Your story has touched my heart :')
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Anonymous
21/4/2018 08:02:16 pm
I needed to read this today. At a time when I thought I had felt through all the hurt and anger and thought I was finally "okay", this made me cry. I thought enough water had already come out. But I guess not. Or maybe it had, but slowly started filling up again without me realizing it. Thank you for sharing this.
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